The Geocacher’s Guide To The New Zealand General Election

 

Categories: Humour Satire

 

Having trouble deciding who to vote for in the upcoming New Zealand General Election? We realise that it can be hard deciding which political party to give your vote so we’ve developed the It’s Not About The Numbers Geocacher’s Guide to the New Zealand General Election***.

Nearly 2000 people* were polled with the question: “How would you describe your political party’s geocaching policies?” INATN’s political editor, along with a team of independent experts**, then analysed the results and developed the guide you find below.

ACT

The political party that believes it IS all about the numbers, which is why it proposes to work with Groundspeak to offer discounts on Premium memberships based on the number of finds you have. The more finds, the bigger the discount!

The party that promotes the freedom of the individual also believes that there is too much bureaucratic red tape involved in the placing of geocaches. Look through its geocaching policy and you’ll find ACT members intend to do away with the “awfully restrictive” 161m placement rule as it discourages the growth of the game.

It also wants to see more decisions made FOR the people BY the people. An ACT government would legislate to remove the overlord reviewers and put the reviewing power back in the hands of the people, just like at OpenCaching.com.

Don Brash: The White Stuff

John Banks: Nat4Life

The ACT party has courted its fair share of controversy during this election campaign. Firstly, leader Don Brash (GC handle: The White Stuff) suggested that he would like to see a lifting of the ‘no food in caches’ guideline, claiming that not having bears in New Zealand meant there would be no issues. That suggestion was vehemently rejected by the party’s Epsom candidate, John Banks (GC handle: Nat4Life).

A symbolic cache hunt between John Banks and the leader of the National Party, John Key (GC handle: Mr Prunciation), meant to encourage National supporters to give their electorate vote to ACT, went horribly wrong after a member of the media claimed the FTF. A complaint has since been laid with Groundspeak regarding this journalist, who is expected to have their GC.com account revoked for 30 days.

National

The party currently in government and with the strongest support in the polls. Its willingness to cache with just about anyone from any party has proven popular with the masses and provided for a stable government over the last three-year term. However, National’s John Key has ruled out entering into any caching coalition with NZ First leader Winston Peters (GC handle: GreyPowerGod) over fears that he would switch allegiances once in power and transfer all of the country’s caches to OpenCaching.com.

National claims that, despite the global financial crisis and inherited deficit, more caches have been published in New Zealand during the last three years than in any other period. But whilst its deal with the massive GPS production company Garmin ensured that the manufacturer continued its operations here, it was looked upon with some scepticism by the general muggle population.

John Key: "The cache was that big."

Perhaps the most controversial National Party policy is its proposal to sell off 49 per cent of the country’s geocaches. Whilst many in the geocaching community are welcoming the opportunity to invest in other geocaches, critics are concerned that a significant portion of the ownership will be purchased by foreign investors, namely Geocaching Australia and the not .COM OpenCaching group.

But the policy that is most off-putting to geocachers is the suggestion that National will sell off a percentage of the conservation estate for mining. The thought that this largely remote and yet to be over-saturated with caches land could be lost leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of seekers country-wide. However, the party points to the proliferation of caches around Macraes Mine in Otago and also suggests that it would compensate for the loss of land by cloning Bitsprayer.

Labour

Labour should be the other major party seriously challenging National at this election, however its members have seemed more preoccupied with deciding who their next party leader will be. At present, the likely contenders look to be Shane Jones (GC handle: Porn King), David Cunliffe (GC handle: Last Man on Earth), David Shearer (GC handle: Gun for Hire), or David Parker (GC handle: I See Dog’s Balls). Particularly telling is that the party has avoided using current leader Phil Goff (GC handle: WormFancier) on any of its election advertising.

Phil Goff proving Don Brash wrong about the bears ... or is that Shane Jones behind him?

Putting all the party’s ructions aside, Labour has created some policies that are highly attractive to geocachers. In particular, it intends to make everyone’s first 5000 finds DNF-free, something that will certainly appeal to those with lower numbers but questions have been raised over how it plans to actually achieve this.

Continuing the positive approach to geocaching, the party has pledged to increase allowances in its ‘Caching for Families’ package to ensure that even the poorest families can afford a GPS unit. Questions have, again, been raised over how Labour intends to finance this honourable endeavour.

Examination of the Labour Party’s figures suggests that it means to borrow an extra $15 billion to cover these policies. Whilst it was originally claimed this money would come from China, it is now believed the funding will come from Garmin International in exchange for continued virtual monopolisation of the New Zealand GPS market.

The Green Party

A party seemingly near to the hearts of many geocachers with its environmentally conscious policies. One would consider that the Green MPs would consider activities such CITO as being fundamental to their geocaching policies. But no, the extent of the party’s environmental belief is such that it has proposed the banning of geocaching from environmentally sensitive areas.

These areas include national parks, regional parks, council reserves, playgrounds and picnic spots. Areas deemed suitable for geocaching are largely based in urban South Auckland where the party considers the perception of dodgy behaviour from geocachers trying to be stealthly is minimised. It also believes that the localisation of the activity will help regenerate the economy in that district.

Current Green MP Keith Locke (GC handle: forestdefender) has labelled geocaching “mass organised littering” and suggested that it threatens to drown us in a sea of snaplock containers. He has called for muggles to take the lead from the worldwide Occupy protests and set up camps at all geocaching sites across the country to prevent any more smileys being recorded.

Mana

Leader Hone Harawira (GC handle: Mama’s Boy) was unable to answer our questions as his mother was yet to tell him what Mana’s geocaching policy entailed.

Sue Bradford protesting poor maintenance at a cache site.

Geocaching spokeswoman Sue Bradford (GC handle: Can I Protest Against That?)  commented that the treatment of geocaches in New Zealand was appalling and said she hoped to introduce an ‘anti-cache owner’ bill that would see cache owners locked up if a Needs Maintenance log was posted on any of their hides.


NZ First

NZ First appears to be on the comeback trail after losing out in the last election. Party leader Winston Peters (GC handle: F.A.T.H.E.R.) has refused to comment on geocaching in New Zealand, saying he will not be drawn into exposing to the media any idea that might be considered reasonable. He claims that, if elected, he will continue to work in the best interests of New Zealand geocachers by not entering into a coalition with National, Labour or the NZ Recreational GPS Society.

And that concludes our geocaching guide to the election. We trust that it will provide you with all the information you need and, hopefully, leads you to the only logical conclusion: Don’t bother voting, go geocaching instead!

*Okay, we didn’t really poll anyone.

**Our political editor, Cumbyrocks, was joined by his other personalities on the panel.

***This post is complete satire and is not intended to accurately reflect the country’s political parties or their beliefs.



 

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  1. Gary says:

    November 23, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    **** and any similarity to any real cacher’s handle is entirely unintended?

  2. Cumbyrocks says:

    November 23, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Hey, I only report the facts as I get them 😉

  3. bladesedge says:

    November 23, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    All hail bitsprayer!

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