If Your GPS Could Talk…

Rich Owings over at GPS Tracklog points out this slightly profane but very funny If GPS Systems Could Really Talk post by TV comedy writer Ken Levine.

Some of the best bits:

A lot of folks are on the road this holiday weekend, giving their GPS systems a real workout.  My GPS guide is so nice. She’s incredibly patient with me. Whenever I disobey her instructions she just assumes I have a good reason and re-calibrates. What a gal! And she’s always cheerful. Never any PMS from my GPS. But sometimes I wonder, what is she really thinking? What would she be saying if she had a few tequila shooters first? And now I can’t help it. Whenever she gently speaks this is what I’m hearing in my head:

“Left turn ahead. What the fuck?! You missed the street. LEFT! How hard a fucking concept is that to you? LEFT!”

“At the next intersection make a legal U-turn. Oh hell, there’s no cops here. Whip it around now!”

“Do you ever plan on washing this car?”

“Don’t answer that call. You can’t do one thing at a time much less two.”

Which got me wondering what our GPSr’s might say to us out caching…

“Okay, it’s just over there. No, not that way, the other way. Why are you going this way? I’ve already told you the cache is over there!!!”

“Jeez, you’re finally in the right place. The cache is at the base of that tree. The base of the tree. The BASE of the TREE. THE BASE OF THE FLIPPIN TREE!!!”

“Are you sure those are the right coordinates? Really? And you plan on dragging your lazy butt up there. I don’t think so.”

Feel free to add your GPSr’s thoughts in the comment section below!



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  1. robnzh

    It isn’t a good idea to post profanity here even if you are quoting, (some people may never see your post if they have filters on and others might have problems with having it there who CAN see it) but having made that point, I suggest:
    “Stop going round and round in circles, can’t you see I am getting dizzy!”

    1. Cumbyrocks

      Profanity – not a big fan (as you can tell from what my GPS says) but the beauty of having your own website and not caring about the numbers is you can write what you want!

  2. ErikaJean

    I’m sure my GPS is cussing back at me as I say a few choice words to it myself on a daily basis….

    But to keep it G Rated I’m thinking this is what my GPS is telling me!

    “warm, cold, colder, warm, hot, hot, hotter, your burning up. Ding ding ding we have a winner!”

    1. kjwx

      Can we swap GPS units, Erika? That’s not what mine says at all.

  3. Dodger

    Great &^%$#@* post.

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